Hi I am new here. I live in Los Angeles, California. I am disabled due to depression, anxiety, emotional problems, lack of motivation, etc.
I am single, no children, broke (just living check to check), in my 40's (i would rather not give my exact age), perhaps a little paranoid as well.
I came here, i guess, to find others who are disabled (due to any reason) to see how they cope.
I have for the most part given up on finding work. I don't want to work. I don't have a path in life and never seemed to find one. I just can't seem to find something that I am happy with doing, that I find satisfying.
If life is only about what we do for a living, then what happens if one is unable to make a living? Should i just die and get life over? Do I belong here in the world? I really wonder if I do. I can't seem to find a place in this world. I have tried to commit suicide only to not die, obviously. I don't want to try because I know i will fail and failure i fear. It just seems that death is the only thing left for me.
I wish I could have been one of those Internet billionaires only because then i could just do nothing and not have to worry about surviving. At one point i was homeless and even lived out of my car. I liked the freedom but it would have been nice to have an unlimited supply of money so i could be a bit more comfortable.
I think another trait of mine is i am a complainer, never happy with how things are in the moment. I always feel things can and should be better for me. Even if i got a job it would never be good enough. I want to be a billionaire or i would settle for multimillionaire. if i could get a job that pays me millions then i would work. i want the luxury to work but only because i choose to, not because i need to work. i want tons of money in the bank so if a job sucks i can walk off the job but still be able to buy the things i want or need. I tend to walk off a lot of jobs. I think I have had hundreds of jobs in my life time, I lost count. I have some problems with anger and impulsiveness. I also have trouble tolerating things i don't like.
I imagine a lot of people on the web would tell me that I need to change and just get a job. However I would rather just be dead. Interestingly, when i tell someone that and I ask them if they would help me kill myself suddenly they have nothing to say. If someone wants to use the tough love approach (which doesn't work on me), why not be the toughest you can be and help me end my life? I guess they are not as tough as they think they are.
I am not scared to die, I am more scare of the pain required to die. if it could be painless, I would end my life in a second. I would rather be dead then work a job that i hate going to every stinking day of my life. To me that is a fate worse than death. Doesn't matter how much it paid, if i hated the job and received no satisfaction from it, i would rather do nothing or not exist anymore. I guess I am a little insane too. It is just how I feel. I get extremely little to no satisfaction from work. I am not lazy, I just want to do what i feel like doing. I don't want to do something I don't feel like doing.
If I could get a job where they would not fire me and still pay me even if i didn't go to work on days when I don't feel like going to work, then i would work. I am not that unreasonable. Also if the job paid me at least 6 figures so if i do quit i could live off the money that i did make while working the crappy job.
I guess i am a very negative person too. I thrive off of my negative feelings. I tend to wallow in these feelings because i am used to misery. Misery loves company which is probably why I came here. I did some self exploration and discovered the reason I am here.
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