Loneliness is worse

Various aspects of my life have led me to a place where I really don't talk to people. I can easily go a week or two without seeing a person or hearing from anyone. Part of the problem is my own attitude and poor experiences with people and a better part of it are just the nature of my disabled life. I've put myself out there before, opened up to people I thought I had a good rapport with and then got ridiculed or put down so many times I'm a bit gun-shy about the idea of even trying to connect with folks online.

I'm a bit agoraphobic but even if I weren't, nothing in my area interests me enough to feel like fighting my fears and walking somewhere. I did have a usual haunt that was very healthy for me in the past, but I stopped going, partially because of some people's smart comments but mostly because I just did not feel wanted. I have to wonder how much of this is of my own making because it's been rare I've ever actually felt like I was wanted or appreciated most places.

I genuinely enjoy being a social person, particularly with more upbeat people. I've seen so much whining and negativity in my life that I can be really hard on myself even in thought. I harbor a lot of resentment for far too many reasons and feel like I do not have much patience left for nonsense or people I find annoying. It doesn't mean I want to be alone or incapable of getting along with people- the few friends I have irregular contact with I have great relationships with (I think?) but then they have actual lives so who am I to dare expect time from them!? (yes I am being sarcastic)

I'm not looking for suggestions so much as I'm trying to express myself in an honest way. I know what I want in life, I'm just not sure it exists. I don't know if I'm more tired of a perceived rejection or the hateful brainwashing from special interest groups that has divided society. I just know I'm so lonely and truly hurting from it that I'm willing to try again. Kinda.

Thank you for being honest and posting this, it does help to open up and pour your feelings out to others.

I can become bed bound with my disability at times I can be that way for months on end. I know it's had but please don't do self pity other wise you'll end up depressed!... I am lucky I have a very good close circle of friends I can spend months on end when I don't see them, but when I go back out with them its as if I've seen them all yesterday. You really need get out of your home and be mixing only you know what you'll enjoy doing. in the past I've had people who were mean to me because of my disability, the way I've always seen it is if I was to stay at home the mean people would win!... I do really be leave that all of us people who are disabled are made of much stronger stuff than the able body people because we have so much more to deal with in life. Life is for the living to enjoy

Thank you for your kind words Ajay. I can't imagine being stuck in bed for long periods of time, I think I would lose my mind. I tend to agree, because of what we go through we (disabled folks) do tend to have a different kind of strength. A mental toughness to endure. At the same time, I couldn't agree more that we should be enjoying our lives.

The good friends I do have are like yours; they never stop being friends, we just pick up from where we left off. I am SO grateful for those people. I realize that gratitude is going to serve me better than bitterness.

Thank you so much! And also glad to be honest.