While this might superficially seem the same as the existing thread. The fundamental difference is that the other thread seems to concentrate on the prejudices of the able bodied person rather than the effect they have on the person with the disability.
Please dont think this is a pity thread, I will tell my story as a warning to others and to try and get some sort of discussion going. I think the lesson is that people with disabilities can attract the wrong sort of 'normal' people.
I had spent 3-4 years or so stuck at home a virtual recluse with dibilitating depression. What my GP had missed while treating the depression in isolation was that It was the first symptom of pernicious anaemia which ultimately went undiagnosed until my nervous system went into freefall.
I wont bore you with my physical disabilities, you can read up on pernicious anaemia and b12 deficency on wiki
but as it was a late diagnosis I can tick most of the boxes. I ended up in hospital for 4 months 1/2 of which was rehab trying to get some mobility back as at the time I was confined to a chair.
On leaving Hospital I was sent to a care home as I was unfit to look after myself. In that time, I managed to dispose of the wheelchair, I still get a lot of pain and discomfort but would rather put up with tthat than use a frame. I have los a lot of body sensation and my body pretty much feels like it has been rewired by a moron which I am sure is a description many here can relate to.
While in the home, as the depression cleared I was craving intelligent company and largely turned to the staff. Compaired to all the other residents there, I stood out. Once I rid myself of the chair and though I walked like a drunk, my mind was intact and So long as I avoided anything with buttons and certain situations I needed minimal help. Outwardly at least I appeared fairly normal.
While I was at the home, unbenown to me until much later, one of the girls working there and staying in staff accomodation had taken an interest in me. With hindsight it was no coincidence it was she who took me to the Dr when I first registered and overheard a lot of my background and while she made a point of avoiding having anything to do with my care she later admitted reading any notes on me that she had access.
My old flat was unsuitable for me and it was agreed I could move into one of the bungalows in the home's grounds. I got a moving in date 6 weeks in advance and it was only then that this girl struck up a conversation. At first just help with a form, then in the final few weeks inviting me down to her staff quarters to help sort out her PC etc. I moved in to the bungalow little more than a week before christmas 06 and in that week she was coming up borrowing stuff and then invited herself up on christmas day where I can only say she threw herself at me.
While I was pleased of the company, I was hessitant to get into a relationship but it was the drink getting the better of me.
After being holed up and isolated for so many years I wanted to get out and meet people, even just going to the local pub yet she would always make excuses. She alienated me from her friends (mostly staff) by telling me of negative gossip, she went on 'girls' nights which were usually just drinks parties at one of her friends places (or her own digs) only for me to find that many of the other boyfriends were at practically all of them. The only times we were ever seen out locally together was during the daytime when, with hindsight, if anyone she might be interested in spotted her she could dismiss it as work, taking a resident out. I felt more like a housepet than a boyfriend
While sex was as you can imagine, always problematic, while she always said it wasnt a problem for her, she always managed to make me feel utterly worthless mainly through a lack of sensitivity or thought for how I was feeling.
The situation got worse after she bought a car as I anded up losing any independence I still had, she preempted all needs to the point where social services withdrew my home help and help shopping etc.
The situation seemed impossible to get out of as she had engineered it such that she was my sole point of access to the world and while I know I am not exactly catch of the year anymore, no realistic chance of full time work , I can no longer drive due to sight damage and with the physical problems, she would play on those insecurities many times to get her own way. It was always difficult to talk to her as the number of times she would threaten to leave (and start mock packing) or if I did talk to her it would never make any difference.
The final straw, I wont say what the operation was but it was to help sex wise, it wasnt something I would have done had I not been forced into a corner or if I was single. I went in for day surgery and she came to collect me, no concern for how I was feeling though she knew the motives for it being done. No sooner were we in the car that she picks an argument over something of no consequence (regarding a mixup at the hospital with hospital transport). I found myself explaining what happened rather than telling her to pack her bags yet while she stopped ranting I never got an appology from her.
I stewed on that for a few days , feeling that the whole hospital thing was being thrown back in my face. One evening after many sleepless nights thinking about it I fell asleep on the sofa watching tv and it was the best nights sleep I had in ages and stayed on the sofa for 4 months until she left. The fact it took her 4 months just showed her previous threats as just a means of manipulation, playing on my own insecurity.
She had asked what was wrong with ME she never thought to ask if it was anything she had done (too self centred) and I knew that answering to that approach without any volantary acknowledgement from here that she could be at fault would resolve nothing as it hadnt in the past. Though even at that point I hoped she would get the hint but she never did.
Looking back I dont even think of my 21 months with her as a relationship as that implies 2 people were in it. It now feels like 21 months of psychological abuse from a woman with her own massive insecurities and low self esteem boosting her own ego by having power over someone and trading physical help for affection and being wanted (but unable to give any emotional support in return) and trying to escape her own sad lonely life.
The worrying thing was I found out while with her her ex husband was registered blind, so she obviously has a habit of doing this.
Before she came along I had accepted being single long ago and had not been looking. I also felt comfortable in myself and interacting with others. I wasnt on a downer due to my recently acquired disabilities as I had kept a positive frame of mind while fighting to get as much mobility back as possible and knowing how bad I was physically at my lowest point, I felt positive about what I ha regained rather than negative about what I had lost.
It only took one inconsiderate self centred person to change all that.
If there is a message in there, It is probably that while people with disabilities might find it hard to get into a relationship, there is as I can testify a great risk of attracting attention from people likely to do your head in which is probably worse than not being in a relationship at all.
Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 01:11<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 01:16
<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 14:57