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Dating 13 years 6 months ago #157

  • Ripples
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Following is a blog I've written for this site. I was very kindly requested to post it here, so here it is! :)

The day started with a good vibes in the office, an interesting story from a friend and an even more interesting email on myspace from a complete stranger. This stranger is a likely lad who had spotted my picture, liked what he saw and investigated my profile on myspace to see what was what. To his horror he found that I am a wheelchair user and took great pains in his email to me to let me know he had to reflect on this fact quite some time before putting pen to paper (okokok, finger to keyboard.) \"I don't know any disabled people, so I don't know how I should treat them or talk to them\" was his plaintive plea to me.

I was happy to enlighten him - \"do disabled people a great service and don't let them have any contact with you whatsoever\".

The question of dating and relationships will always be a big one for a disabled person (not unlike the non-disabled counterparts, lets face it). To be politically incorrect; disability is not attractive, at least not to those who don't particularly want to be the knight in shinning armour rescuing the damsel in de-chair. I don't suppose my scars are the latest in fashion accessories or my chair lends a certain panache to my deportment. I may think I'm attractive in other respects, but my disability is certainly something that isn't, nor would I want it to be.

There is a phenomenon I've noticed that I feel is worth commenting on at this point. It's very easy for a disabled person to feel that the non-disabled are just a bunch of shallow gits, judging only on looks and not getting to know the person within. Hmmm, I'm not sure how shallow it is, I judge on looks too and I'm not sure I want to date/marry/sleep with someone I'm not attracted to physically. On the other hand, I can think of plenty of people who would normally be considered ugly, happily dating and having serious relationships. So maybe its a case of not every disabled person has an attractive 'person within' (yes, yes, just the same as the non-disabled population). I can think of one male in particular who has CP. No, he's not physically attractive at all, but that never stopped Mick Jagger did it? No, this person has nothing going for him, he doesn't even have a decent sense of humour. He hasn't a poetic bone in his body, nor a philosophical one, he doesn't do anything more interesting than bang on abut how badly the disabled are treated. He's dull, dreary and depressing to be around, never mind the fact that he insists that he doesn't get a date because of his CP, which in itself is extremely off-putting. \"No!\" I want to scream at him whilst banging my head against the nearest wall \"You don't get a date because you're self-obsessed, bitter and boring!\"

So, that's one side of the disabled dating coin. The other, of course, is demonstrated by the lad first mentioned here and the thousands (please not millions) of people like him. \"How do you treat a disabled person?\" Well, it's no good telling them 'Just like anyone else', because that means very little. It's far too vague and if one was specific - you wouldn't want them to be treating a disabled person like their mother who still does their laundry, would you? Or like the shop assistant that they hate because they didn't carry their favourite brand of plasters? No, I really feel the best answer is the one I offered the dear chap who mentioned he didn't know WHAT to do Don't do anything.

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Re:Dating 13 years 1 week ago #745

I suppose some in the able bodied world may ask questions which to the disabled seem dumb, but to the able bodied they are trying to find out more about someone/something they no little or nothing about. I've been in situations were someone has asked me something about my disability and i've had to explain while trying to keep my patients B). I also know a guy who is disabled who thinks all women are shallow and only after money etc... He does not realise that women want to be wanted for who they are and not because he needs a girlfriend:evil: . When i point this out to him he gets very up set with me but someone had to tell him. i'm always the bad guy lol.

I suppose some disabled people do need to be treated differently on a physical level or maybe even a mental level and for the able bodied they need to try a little thoughtfulness and realise that disabled men and women still have some self esteem and don't jumb on the first person that shows them some attention we still need some attraction, otherwise i'd be dating my washing machine.:laugh:

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Re:Dating 13 years 1 week ago #750

Personally, I really don't care whether they treat me differently on a \"physical level\" or on a \"mental level\". I just want equal rights.

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Re:Dating 12 years 11 months ago #1711

  • juicymelon
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I was in a chat room years ago. I'd been talking to someone on there for a few weeks now. He asked me why i don't go out much? when i replied i use a wheelchair and find it difficult to use public transport alone he said oh i don't know how to talk to a disabled person!

I never heard from him again, mind you i don't think i want to talk to someone so shallow minded!

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Re:Dating 12 years 11 months ago #1745

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I totally agree. There is some shallow people around and you can't or shouldn't judge a book by its cover
juicymelon wrote:

I was in a chat room years ago. I'd been talking to someone on there for a few weeks now. He asked me why i don't go out much? when i replied i use a wheelchair and find it difficult to use public transport alone he said oh i don't know how to talk to a disabled person!

I never heard from him again, mind you i don't think i want to talk to someone so shallow minded!

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Re:Dating 12 years 11 months ago #1755

ade1 wrote:

I totally agree. There is some shallow people around and you can't or shouldn't judge a book by its cover
juicymelon wrote:

I was in a chat room years ago. I'd been talking to someone on there for a few weeks now. He asked me why i don't go out much? when i replied i use a wheelchair and find it difficult to use public transport alone he said oh i don't know how to talk to a disabled person!

I never heard from him again, mind you i don't think i want to talk to someone so shallow minded!


Hey, JuicyMelon and Ade1, unfortunately there are heaps of people like that in this World. They are not just shallow minded, they are also very ignorant. I just ignore them.

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disability is more than skin deep 12 years 6 months ago #2292

By my subject, I mean that desirability of people as
people to date isn't affected by able-bodiedness
alone.

People with children face a similar siatuation. Some people looking for a partner will run away, and quickly, when they find out their prospective mate has children.

Other characteristics make for less than idea datable material:

- being divorced, especially being divorced several times

- being over the age of 30. The older one is than 30, the increasingly less desirable one is.

- not having a job. Many women view this as not being goal-oriented. This is particularly problematic for the disabled since a nontrivial number of the disabled can't get/hold a job.

- not being financially stable.

- not being height/weight proportional or having a body mass index in the normal range. This is very ironic since the majority of Americans (and shortly Brits, I assume) are now overweight, which means that the minority of physically fit people seeking a fit partner will soon be fishing from an increasingly saller pond.

If one needs a good chuckle in this regard, check out the personals section at Craigslist ( www.craigslist.org ).

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disability is more than skin deep 12 years 6 months ago #2293

By my subject, I mean that desirability of people as
people to date isn't affected by able-bodiedness
alone.

People with children face a similar siatuation. Some people looking for a partner will run away, and quickly, when they find out their prospective mate has children.

Other characteristics make for less than idea datable material:

- being divorced, especially being divorced several times

- being over the age of 30. The older one is than 30, the increasingly less desirable one is.

- not having a job. Many women view this as not being goal-oriented. This is particularly problematic for the disabled since a nontrivial number of the disabled can't get/hold a job.

- not being financially stable.

- not being height/weight proportional or having a body mass index in the normal range. This is very ironic since the majority of Americans (and shortly Brits, I assume) are now overweight, which means that the minority of physically fit people seeking a fit partner will soon be fishing from an increasingly saller pond.

If one needs a good chuckle in this regard, check out the personals section at Craigslist ( www.craigslist.org ).

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