Household Tips

Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantelpiece ....
So if unexpectedguests arrive,
They will think you've been sick
And unable to clean.
:laugh: :ohmy:

thats a smart one karl!! I like it................

Those extra large slippers that are advertised in the newspapers...The ones where you can put both feet in the same slipper to keep warm whist sitting....

Buy Two and keep them both by the fireplace or somewhere visible....If a burglar breaks in whilst your out he/she will think...bloody heck Im not staying here with the size of this bloke

Keep a bucket of Horse Manure in the Kitchen......It keeps the flys out of the lounge

Leave lots of snotty rolled up tissue papers on settee and floor and talk quite nasally and watch your visitors fly back out of the front door! I did that once to some unwanted visitors!

Leave the full wee bottle on the coffee table :evil:

Always leave food over the floor so that yoy will have something to eat if you fall over...and cant get up

This one is abit naughty so people with a sensitive disposition look away now!!
Leave a stool sample on the table in a position where it can't be missed and as your visitors enter you say 'oh dear I forgot to send this to the doctor this morning I've had the worst upset stomach!! And watch them make there excuses and leave your house quick march!! :evil: :evil: :evil: :laugh:

Sign for the front door......Pagans Lives Here Who Sacifice Virgins .....Keeps the JW and double glazing salesmen away

If you spill wine etc on your carpet...Do NOT wipe with solution...before this fold a terry towel four times and place over stain..remove your shoe and hit the towel repeatedly....The vibrations will absorb 70 to 80 pc of the staining liquid into the towel.....Leave a clean towel on the stain and put some books etc on it to weight it down..Overnight majority of stain will go into towel....Believe me it works,if you get it whilst still wet