New Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b******.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one often.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again..


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock..
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s***, it's Global Warming.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: Karl my man you have really excelled yourself, they are really funny:woohoo:

where do you get them from i was in stitches :woohoo:

Mary had a little lamb
she also had a bear,
ive often seen her little lamb
but ive never seen her bare.

Well iv just about quit holding my sides karl! Genius my friend iv never seen something so funny lol. Do bring us more. Cat xx:laugh:

what do u think abt me sing those in nursery next time am at placement lol

cheeky_monkey17 wrote:

what do u think abt me sing those in nursery next time am at placement lol

Poor kids :evil:

Karl wrote:

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

SOUNDS FAMILIAR

mary had a little lamb
it had a sooty foot
and everywhere that mary went
it's sooty footy put

(try saying that when you've had a few -- hic)

Karl wrote:

cheeky_monkey17 wrote:

what do u think abt me sing those in nursery next time am at placement lol

Poor kids :evil:

lol i dont think i wud be allowed back but it wud be fun to see their faces

cheeky_monkey17 wrote:

Karl wrote:

cheeky_monkey17 wrote:

what do u think abt me sing those in nursery next time am at placement lol

Poor kids :evil:

lol i dont think i wud be allowed back but it wud be fun to see their faces

Yeah, and the par ents' faces too he he:whistle:

LMAO
that wud be so funny but am not stupid enougt to risk it