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dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #11993

While this might superficially seem the same as the existing thread. The fundamental difference is that the other thread seems to concentrate on the prejudices of the able bodied person rather than the effect they have on the person with the disability.

Please dont think this is a pity thread, I will tell my story as a warning to others and to try and get some sort of discussion going. I think the lesson is that people with disabilities can attract the wrong sort of 'normal' people.

I had spent 3-4 years or so stuck at home a virtual recluse with dibilitating depression. What my GP had missed while treating the depression in isolation was that It was the first symptom of pernicious anaemia which ultimately went undiagnosed until my nervous system went into freefall.

I wont bore you with my physical disabilities, you can read up on pernicious anaemia and b12 deficency on wiki
but as it was a late diagnosis I can tick most of the boxes. I ended up in hospital for 4 months 1/2 of which was rehab trying to get some mobility back as at the time I was confined to a chair.

On leaving Hospital I was sent to a care home as I was unfit to look after myself. In that time, I managed to dispose of the wheelchair, I still get a lot of pain and discomfort but would rather put up with tthat than use a frame. I have los a lot of body sensation and my body pretty much feels like it has been rewired by a moron which I am sure is a description many here can relate to.

While in the home, as the depression cleared I was craving intelligent company and largely turned to the staff. Compaired to all the other residents there, I stood out. Once I rid myself of the chair and though I walked like a drunk, my mind was intact and So long as I avoided anything with buttons and certain situations I needed minimal help. Outwardly at least I appeared fairly normal.

While I was at the home, unbenown to me until much later, one of the girls working there and staying in staff accomodation had taken an interest in me. With hindsight it was no coincidence it was she who took me to the Dr when I first registered and overheard a lot of my background and while she made a point of avoiding having anything to do with my care she later admitted reading any notes on me that she had access.

My old flat was unsuitable for me and it was agreed I could move into one of the bungalows in the home's grounds. I got a moving in date 6 weeks in advance and it was only then that this girl struck up a conversation. At first just help with a form, then in the final few weeks inviting me down to her staff quarters to help sort out her PC etc. I moved in to the bungalow little more than a week before christmas 06 and in that week she was coming up borrowing stuff and then invited herself up on christmas day where I can only say she threw herself at me.

While I was pleased of the company, I was hessitant to get into a relationship but it was the drink getting the better of me.

After being holed up and isolated for so many years I wanted to get out and meet people, even just going to the local pub yet she would always make excuses. She alienated me from her friends (mostly staff) by telling me of negative gossip, she went on 'girls' nights which were usually just drinks parties at one of her friends places (or her own digs) only for me to find that many of the other boyfriends were at practically all of them. The only times we were ever seen out locally together was during the daytime when, with hindsight, if anyone she might be interested in spotted her she could dismiss it as work, taking a resident out. I felt more like a housepet than a boyfriend

While sex was as you can imagine, always problematic, while she always said it wasnt a problem for her, she always managed to make me feel utterly worthless mainly through a lack of sensitivity or thought for how I was feeling.

The situation got worse after she bought a car as I anded up losing any independence I still had, she preempted all needs to the point where social services withdrew my home help and help shopping etc.

The situation seemed impossible to get out of as she had engineered it such that she was my sole point of access to the world and while I know I am not exactly catch of the year anymore, no realistic chance of full time work , I can no longer drive due to sight damage and with the physical problems, she would play on those insecurities many times to get her own way. It was always difficult to talk to her as the number of times she would threaten to leave (and start mock packing) or if I did talk to her it would never make any difference.

The final straw, I wont say what the operation was but it was to help sex wise, it wasnt something I would have done had I not been forced into a corner or if I was single. I went in for day surgery and she came to collect me, no concern for how I was feeling though she knew the motives for it being done. No sooner were we in the car that she picks an argument over something of no consequence (regarding a mixup at the hospital with hospital transport). I found myself explaining what happened rather than telling her to pack her bags yet while she stopped ranting I never got an appology from her.

I stewed on that for a few days , feeling that the whole hospital thing was being thrown back in my face. One evening after many sleepless nights thinking about it I fell asleep on the sofa watching tv and it was the best nights sleep I had in ages and stayed on the sofa for 4 months until she left. The fact it took her 4 months just showed her previous threats as just a means of manipulation, playing on my own insecurity.

She had asked what was wrong with ME she never thought to ask if it was anything she had done (too self centred) and I knew that answering to that approach without any volantary acknowledgement from here that she could be at fault would resolve nothing as it hadnt in the past. Though even at that point I hoped she would get the hint but she never did.

Looking back I dont even think of my 21 months with her as a relationship as that implies 2 people were in it. It now feels like 21 months of psychological abuse from a woman with her own massive insecurities and low self esteem boosting her own ego by having power over someone and trading physical help for affection and being wanted (but unable to give any emotional support in return) and trying to escape her own sad lonely life.

The worrying thing was I found out while with her her ex husband was registered blind, so she obviously has a habit of doing this.

Before she came along I had accepted being single long ago and had not been looking. I also felt comfortable in myself and interacting with others. I wasnt on a downer due to my recently acquired disabilities as I had kept a positive frame of mind while fighting to get as much mobility back as possible and knowing how bad I was physically at my lowest point, I felt positive about what I ha regained rather than negative about what I had lost.

It only took one inconsiderate self centred person to change all that.

If there is a message in there, It is probably that while people with disabilities might find it hard to get into a relationship, there is as I can testify a great risk of attracting attention from people likely to do your head in which is probably worse than not being in a relationship at all.

Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 01:11<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 01:16

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12013

I understand where u are coming from.

I do think that people see us as easy to control so they use that to get they own way as we are not always able to do everything like others. but I dont think that it just relationships of that kind in which it happens anyone can take advanage: friends or family to. sometime people might not see what they are doing other no full well what they are doin. (In ur case it look as she nos full well what she was doing.)

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12015

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I read what you wrote with intresst. I am married
I know what you are feeling about the controling.
Cheeky I totaly agree with your answer

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12048

After reading what you said cheeky, in reality it seems that they are indirectly empowered by the prejudices of the able bodied people in the other thread.

It seems like a lose lose situation.

My first lesson in cynicism seems to be that you are either faced with people's prejudices and thinking and treating you like damaged goods as in the other thread or as I found and initially and niavely believed I was accepted for who I am only to find that person exploiting the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that go hand in hand with the disabilities and bought about largely by the treatment and attitude of the first group.

I now realise in my case that while this woman, I niavely thought that with the prior knowledge of me she accept be for who I was, in reality that infomation merely meant she knew what buttons to push to get in and what ones to press to control and repress.

Few and far between they might be, I am sure there are people (women) out there that would accept me as I am, disabilities and all. I am just not sure I can take getting trodden on like that again trying to find one :unsure:<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 14:57

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12049

deleted duplicate post<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/29 14:52

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12050

i dont think everyone is like that like i said b4 some time people dont always see that they are doing it some times it is out of love. but i do feel that people thats are going though similar kind of things can be more accepting.(u would thing every disabled person wud be) but saying that i have also meet or talked to people thats are disabled them selves that are just has controlling and unaccepting of my disablity as an able person wud be.

why is that? :dry: :unsure:

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12065

Well I take people as they are. you cant change someone without chipping away at who they are and in the process destroying what attracted you to them in the first place and ultimately the person being changed will resent you for it.

The one I was with tried changing me, my style of glasses (to the point of uselessness as the frames were barely big enough for the varifocal lenses) and the way I dressed.

The clothes issue really bugged me. Because of the state of my hands I cant handle buttons or anything fiddly. That means i usually wear t-shirts/seat shirts and tracksuit bottoms so I dont have the indignity of someone having to help dress me or even help going to the loo. So if I do for example wear normal trousers they tend to be a couple of inches too big and tightened with a belt resulting in me looking like a sack of potatoes. It seemed to be more about excerting power by trying to implement changes than anything.

If I wanted to go out with a girl I wouldnt care if she wore a bin liner tied in the middle with a piece of string she would still loo gorgeous to me and blow what anyone else thought.

I think the control issue is more to do with the controller's own low self esteem and finding someone they can have power over. low self esteem can affect anyone who feels disadvantaged and that includes the disabled.

I dont discount dating other disabled people, I would feel a hypocrit if I did. Even looks arnt everything (they certainly werent for that last one) Its not that disabilities, looks or even what is between someones ears dont matter, they all do but to different degrees with different people. Its just to many people, disabilities and all it entails is a deal breaker.

The other thing is between disabled people, some might be looking for a carer rather than just a partner (I was looking for an understanding girlfriend, what I got was a carer with benefits) but even with 2 disabled people, it depends on both their degrees and nature of disability if they are going to be compatible.<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/10/31 01:24

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12193

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I have seen a lot of relationships between able bodied people and it is always the female who likes to be in fully control of their partner. Its called being under the thumb.

I don't think its because of your disability. Some women are just like this.

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12196

I dont think it fair to say that its always the women who like to control.... I completely disagree with that.

I have seen and had to comfort people that has been controled and abused by men and trust me its not easy to see (but I will always be there for them no matter how many time it happens). I have to sit and watch someone I love being controlled by her fella everday and he controls her to the point that shes feels that she will have nothing if he leaves no matter what others say.

Some abuse can be hidden ... just dont jump to conclusions that its always the womens fault .... men can be equal to blame.

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12197

yep I agree with you cheeky. its not a male/female thing. I dont think someone ends up with a control freak by accident. I think the controller is attracted to people that for what ever reason they feel they can get the upper hand. They have probably got a bigger underlying self esteem problem that the person being controlled or abused.

at first they are always on their best behaviour, the perfect partner but then start slowing chipping away at the other person. In my case although my disabilities are mild compared to many of you, the effects are such that it is enough all round to kill off work prospects, transport etc.

In my case I was so dependent on her for both help nd company that I found it impossible to kick her out. Even so I knew I just culdnt go on as I was getting totally stressed out and resented her laying in the bed next to me getting a good nights sleep while she was putting me through hell, so I stopped sleeping with her. After that one acidental good nights sleep on the sofa it was like my chance to break free and I just could not face getting back in that bed without things changing.

I really did hope right to the end that the penny would drop and everything would be normal. Of course they didnt and she left. Though I got all the generic I realised I didnt love you stuff, I realise if she could put someone through that, love never entered into it in the first place. She left because she lost her grip on me.

Had I of caved in, she would still be here, but I doubt if there would be much of me left.

Yes I now feel lonely, but that had been building up over the months I had put my foot down. The first couple of weeks were hell emotionally but Ive come out the other side and feel a lot less stressed than I have in a long time.

One thing I felt better about today. I know I admitted to cheeky in a mail that I was trying to get this one refered to the pova list as I think she has no place working with vulnerable people. While social services have been useless other than confirming the belief based on my statements abuse took place. CSCI who inspect the care homes played the list down abd i later found hat they have the power to bypass an employer and refer the employee directly (I am unlikely to get the homes cooperation. Anyway, today I was on the phone to the POVA manager to administers the blacklist and outlined by case. He realised without me saying that the home was a waste of time and advised putting csci on the spot by putting it in writing. I asked about evidence as it would come down to my word against hers and it was his view that she had no place being up here in the first place so I still might succeed. I will say what I say to everyone, its not out of hate but I cant let her put someone else who might not come out the other side through what I went through.

Im like a jack russell at someones ankles I wont let go of this until I know that even if the referal itself fails, pova would at least have my complaint on file so they can get her next time.

I hope there is no next time, either by succeeding or the unlikely even she finds an able bodied guy more capable of keeping her in check and can also put up with her halitosis which is unlikely lol<br><br>Post edited by: Dondilly, at: 2008/11/01 05:26

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12198

One thing I did tonight, mainly with the intention of passing the link around her workplace create a site.

The initial content is largely derrived from what I posted here but with an identity added and a degree of sarcasm when initially describing her.

I have also added a poll on the side of the page open to all to vote. If you got firefox as well as explorer you get 2 votes. The more the merrier and if anyone fancies increasing its exposure linking it to other blogs that would be great.
exgirlfiend.blogspot.com/

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Re:dating able bodied people 11 years 11 months ago #12199

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Ok so you got bit - at your most vulnerable and lowest time, you got bit! learn from it and move on. you seem a fairly intelligent guy, please don't fall for that tit-for-tat nonsense, it will only make you bitter and will become all-consuming.

Like me, stop looking for that \"special someone\", get out, enjoy life, be assured, be confident in yourself. Life's too short to worry about it (and believe me, with Terminal Cancer, I KNOW).
Meet new people, make new friends, try not to attach yourself to one only, try to be cheerful when you're out and about, even if you have pains -- try not to let everyone see them!
You, like me, have come-out-of-the-wheelchair, and yeah, we hobble and wobble, but we're upright!
And we have that (special) assurance, that with our own efforts, we can live a \"normal\" life!

Life ain't so bad y'know, there is always someone worse off than you are!

So get out there, put on your best bib and tucker, and your gorgeous smile, and get out and meet folks.

When the time is right, you will meet that special someone we all crave for, and not a jot of effort from you will prove to you it's right.

And if you're not doing anything on the 18th Novemember, why not join some of us at \"Posh's Tea Party\" ??

(That \"special someone\" you crave, might just be....
me! :whistle: )

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