A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother....he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise" replies the doctor. "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins on the back seat of his car. The police stopped him and told him that he couldn't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the same road with twenty penguins on the back seat. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies!"
Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"
An Essex girl was driving down the road when her phone rang. It was her boyfriend urgently warning her, "treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful."
"It's not just one car!" replied the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"