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TOPIC: JOKE OF THE DAY

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #48907

Why are husbands like lawn Mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time!!

(only joking hubbies out there - I think LOL)

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #48928

  • tessa
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thanks shygirl! B)

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Last edit: by tessa.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #48948

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #48993

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see that it's draped with rashers of juicy bacon.

"Hey Pepe," says the first man, "Ees a bacon tree, we're saved."

Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets"

"What happened?" shouts Pepe.

With his last breath his friend shouts, "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush!!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49041

Hi-di-hi campers. Here's today's offering:-

Finding one of her pupils making faces at others in the playground, Miss Barker, their teacher, stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Tony, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Tony looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Barker, you can't say you weren't warned!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49055

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother....he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise" replies the doctor. "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew!!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49098

A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins on the back seat of his car. The police stopped him and told him that he couldn't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the same road with twenty penguins on the back seat. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49134

  • Karl
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Teacher asks the kids in class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher in shock ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49137

Good one Karl!!

Is this a second hand shop?
Yes sir.
Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49157

An Essex girl was driving down the road when her phone rang. It was her boyfriend urgently warning her, "treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful."

"It's not just one car!" replied the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49168

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's the problem? asks the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 6 years 2 months ago #49215

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the man needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her 'My Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart', etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice that after all these years you've been married, you keep using those little pet names".

The host replied, "Well to be honest, I've forgotten her name!"

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