JOKE OF THE DAY

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Anyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup.

Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots too"

Have a good one everyone.

Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 38 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny," replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

Boom Boom!! (as Basil Brush would say)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a while. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers."

That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy."

That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered

The teacher tasted another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No" the boy answered.

Finally the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!" :laugh:

There are two cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range

Q What's pink and fluffy?
A Pink fluff.

Q What's blue and fluffy?
A Pink fluff holding it's breath.

The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the tv and I said dust!!

shygirl15 wrote: The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the tv and I said dust!!

Sue, the jokes you share with us are soooo funny, very, very funny indeed, without being dirty or sexist! Thanks a lot for brightening my day, as well as others' I suppose...A question for you: where do you find them? Cheers, Tessa :laugh:

tessa wrote:

shygirl15 wrote: The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the tv and I said dust!!

Sue, the jokes you share with us are soooo funny, very, very funny indeed, without being dirty or sexist! Thanks a lot for brightening my day, as well as others' I suppose...A question for you: where do you find them? Cheers, Tessa :laugh:

Thanks Tessa - glad they're appreciated. I just Google joke and go into different sites each day - I can never remember jokes, so I really can't claim they're from my pot of jokes LOL Have a nice Friday. xx

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who?
No thanks, but I'd love some peanuts! :laugh:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Disco
Disco who?
Disconnected! :laugh:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I'm knocking! :laugh:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ina.
Ina who?
Ina minute.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Celeste
Celeste who?
Celeste time I'll visit you!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like. :laugh:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Emmett
Emmett who?
Emmett the front door, not the back one.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Don
Don who?
Don take me for granted

Knock knock
Who's there?
A Fred
A Fred who?
Who's A Fred of the big bad wolf.

:lol: