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TOPIC: JOKE OF THE DAY

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 11 months ago #49252

Bit pathetic today -

Police station toilet stolen.....Cops have nothing to go on!

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49284

Men are like parking spots -
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.

Sorry boys - only joking (well that is the object of this forum LOL)
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49312

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She replied, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to see a movie with popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well dear what's it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49359

A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

:laugh:
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49382

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

Finally the boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man thought for a while and then answered, "Well yes actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son!!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49385

  • cyril
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A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOUUU!!!”.

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the
girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?”

The guy responded with a
loud voice: “$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”
.
.
.
and all the people in the
library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty”
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49430

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to six children, begins to call her 'mother of six' rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey, mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go."

The wife seized the moment and yelled back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!" :laugh:
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49478

A woman went to her new doctor for a check up. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous. He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say, "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you once more to say eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you again to say eighty-eight."

"One, two, three, four, five........!!"
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Last edit: by shygirl15. Reason: correction

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49513

What's a porcupine's favourite food?
Prickled onions.

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell garage.

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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49567

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49585

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins."

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mt Smith's wife had just had triplets. Mr Smith stood up and said, "Well how do you like that, I work for the 3M company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP!"
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Re: JOKE OF THE DAY 5 years 10 months ago #49625

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar and they are having a drinking contest to see which one is the hardest.

After twelve shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still un-phased, when suddenly the door bursts open and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks why he ran off. He replies, "Haven't you heard about him? He's a cycle-path!"

Yes I know it's silly, but then, so am I LOL

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