Joke of the day

Guy goes into a Pet Shop and looks to see whats for sale..As he approaches a dog in the corner..the dog starts talking..
Dog...Hello, Nice to meet you..Im Charles and I come from a noble ,long line and am very active with the Royals..I have won Crufts five times with best of breed and Overall Champion on no less that three competitions... I am 5 years old yet can out-run a greyhound half my age...Ive won the Greyhound Derby twice....

Guy...Bloody hell he said to the Shop owner..How much do you want for this talking dog ???


Owner....You can take him for £3....

Guy...Thats blinkin cheap...whats wrong with him???

Owner..Nothing..I just cant stand his Lies xxxx :laugh:

A couple of Catholic priests enter a bucking bronco competition. the 1st priest climbs on and only manages to last for 10 secs, the 2nd tries next and holds on for an amazing 10 mins, 'How did u manage to stay on for so long?' asks the 1st priest, the 2nd replies, '1 of my alter boys used to have epilepsy'

I went to the Casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack.He kept having win after win after win....
I couldnt believe his luck then saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread...
I asked him...Mate, whats that under your shoe ??
He said...Shhhhhh Im on a Roll xxxx :laugh:

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered \"Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat.\" The man moaned but didn't budge. \"Sir,\" the usher said more loudly, \"if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager.\" The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, \"All right, what's your name, joker?\" \"Joe\", he mumbled. \"And where are you from, Joe?\" Joe responds painfully, \"The balcony!\"

Guidance Counselor: \" Where do you see yourself in ten years?\"
Student: \" In a mirror...duh.\"

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. \"Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep.\" says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, \"Right on guys take one thing that will be of use.\" The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, \"What you gonna do with that?\" \"It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen.\" Says the Englishman \"Good thinkin,\" says the Scotsman removing the hood. \"What use is that?\" says the Englishman. \"You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off.\" \"Good point.\" The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. \"Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?\" they ask. \"Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down.\"

There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. \"Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep.\" says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, \"Right on guys take one thing that will be of use.\" The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, \"What you gonna do with that?\" \"It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen.\" Says the Englishman \"Good thinkin,\" says the Scotsman removing the hood. \"What use is that?\" says the Englishman. \"You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off.\" \"Good point.\" The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. \"Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?\" they ask. \"Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down.\"

2 eggs boiling in a pot. 1 says to the other \"i've got a huge crack\".


The other replies \"stop f#cking teasing me.. i'm not hard yet\".

I see that BA is on strike again......To be honest I dont realy think that ..The A Team..will miss the lazy bugger xxxx

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, \"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.\"
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: \"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.\"

A man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink..During his time talking with her he keeps looking at his watch....
She asks...Have you got to be somewhere???
Man says...No..its a new Dating watch and its giving me information about you..
She asks...What does it say ??
Man replies...It says that you have no knickers on ...
She says..Thats wrong for a start...
To which he replies...Oh..its running an Hour Fast xxxx