Joke of the day

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, \"Don't take a step further.\" She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. \"Don't take a step further.\" She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying \"I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?\" Yes! Shouts the woman, \"Just where were you on my wedding day!\"

Paddy was sitting next to a Muslim gentleman on a flight as the stewardess came round taking orders for drinks....
Paddy....I will have an Irish and ginger please..
Muslim gent....Do not offer me alcohol..it is a sin..I would rather be sexualy assaulted by 50 whores...
Paddy....You can take the drink back...I didnt realise there was a choice xxxx

A woman comes home and tells her husband, \"Remember those


Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.\"


\"No more headaches?\" the husband asks,
''What happened?\"


His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to


stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat


\"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache..\"




It Worked! The headaches are all gone.\"


The husband replies, \"Well, that is wonderful.\"


His wife then says, \"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball


of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the


Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?\"


The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his


clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says,


\"Don't move, I'll be right back.\"


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, \"Boy, that was wonderful!\"


The husband says,


\"Don't move! I will be right back..\"


He goes back into the bathroom,


comes back and round two was even better than The First time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
\"Don't move, I'll be right back.\"
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
\"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife...\"



His funeral service will be held on Friday.

I wouldnt say that my ex girlfriend was ugly...but.....

She asked me once to go out and buy something that made her look sexy......I came back with 3 litres of Vodka and a box of Stella xxxx

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE LASS

The first man married a woman from Essex . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning..
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from sussex . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table..



The third man married a lass from Yorkshire .
He ordered her to keep the House cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

TENSION

One lady asking for a lift
On the way she is vomiting
U in Tension.!

U taking her to the hospital
Doc Said; \"Congradulations,
U are going to be a father\"
U again in Tension.!

U said,
\"I am innocent, I dont know her\"
Doctor asked the girl
Girl said, \"He is the one responsible for this\"
See, U again in TenSion.!

Then Police arrived
Your detailed medical checkup done.
Report came!
\"U can never become a father\"

U came out happily..

But suddenly that coming to ur mind-

If so, then.. the children in my home...???
U in utter TenSion again..!

Isn't little Johnny innocent?


Little Johnny was living happily..one day a cute brother came to his life.

Little Johny was very much angry because he was not getting his usual feedings from his mother. Thought the next day mother would consider him, but the same thing repeated the next day and he waited for the next day again and never did he get, instead mother continued nursing his brother!!

He could nt forgive his brother for taking away his chance. One day he put poison on his mother's nipples secretly.

He saw a huge crowd in front of his house when he returned back from school.

He asked father the reason. Then father told; \"our driver committed suicide today by taking poison.\"

Now tell me; Isnt our poor Little Johnny innocent??

Advice:

If in examination hall
during d exam
u feel tht d paper is tough,
dont worry.
Just close ur eyes,
take a deep breath
n say 2 urself
“This is a very interesting subject.
I want to study it one more time”

Dannie started to explain his Adventure. He had gone to a remote village on some work and due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied \"I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay.\"

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied,\"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry, I can't allow you to stay.\"

He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked, \"Do you have grown up daughters?\"

The Owner asked,\"WHY?????????\"

Dannie replied, \"I wanted to stay here for a night .....\"

Teacher: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
First Student: Its light, nothing can travel faster than light.
Second Student: It could be thought, it comes into our mind instantly.
Third Student: I think itz blink.
Finally Jerry: Its Loose motion.
Teacher: \"WHAT??\"
Jerry: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,’ Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.

Paddy came home very late at night...fairly the worse for wear....His wife shouted....Where have you been until now and Why do you have lipstick on your shirt.....After careful consideration Paddy smiled and said...Thats easy...I wiped my shirt on my cock xxxx :laugh: