Joke of the day

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, \"Don't take a step further.\" She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. \"Don't take a step further.\" She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying \"I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?\" Yes! Shouts the woman, \"Just where were you on my wedding day!\"

Paddy was sitting next to a Muslim gentleman on a flight as the stewardess came round taking orders for drinks....
Paddy....I will have an Irish and ginger please..
Muslim gent....Do not offer me alcohol..it is a sin..I would rather be sexualy assaulted by 50 whores...
Paddy....You can take the drink back...I didnt realise there was a choice xxxx

A woman comes home and tells her husband, \"Remember those


Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.\"


\"No more headaches?\" the husband asks,
''What happened?\"


His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to


stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat


\"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache..\"




It Worked! The headaches are all gone.\"


The husband replies, \"Well, that is wonderful.\"


His wife then says, \"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball


of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the


Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?\"


The husband agrees to try it



Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his


clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says,


\"Don't move, I'll be right back.\"


He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, \"Boy, that was wonderful!\"


The husband says,


\"Don't move! I will be right back..\"


He goes back into the bathroom,


comes back and round two was even better than The First time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
\"Don't move, I'll be right back.\"
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
\"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife...\"



His funeral service will be held on Friday.

I wouldnt say that my ex girlfriend was ugly...but.....

She asked me once to go out and buy something that made her look sexy......I came back with 3 litres of Vodka and a box of Stella xxxx

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A YORKSHIRE LASS

The first man married a woman from Essex . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning..
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from sussex . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table..



The third man married a lass from Yorkshire .
He ordered her to keep the House cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

TENSION

One lady asking for a lift
On the way she is vomiting
U in Tension.!

U taking her to the hospital
Doc Said; \"Congradulations,
U are going to be a father\"
U again in Tension.!

U said,
\"I am innocent, I dont know her\"
Doctor asked the girl
Girl said, \"He is the one responsible for this\"
See, U again in TenSion.!

Then Police arrived
Your detailed medical checkup done.
Report came!
\"U can never become a father\"

U came out happily..

But suddenly that coming to ur mind-

If so, then.. the children in my home...???
U in utter TenSion again..!