Joke of the Day

These HD..3D televisions are so good...realy realistic...I was watching Liverpool v Chelsea and noticed my wallet had been stolen xxxx :blink:

Fat bitch in a bar says 'If you can guess my weight, you can f **k me.' A bloke says ''Bout three ton you fat ugly mole' She says 'That's close enough you lucky bastard'.

Man staggers into hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly round his throat.....Doctor asks...What happened to you ????
Man replies...I was playing Golf with the wife and we both sliced our balls into a field of cows...I found one stuck up a fat cows arse..called over to the wife..this looks like yours ...... Dont remember much after that xxxx :laugh:

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A family are driving behind an Ann Summers delivery van when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen...
To hide her embarrassment the wife says to the 2 children...That was a big insect ....
To which the son replied....Im surprised it could f....ng fly with a cock that size xxxx :ohmy:

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

\"I'm afraid I don't have a husband\" she replies.

OK, do you have a boyfriend?\" asks the Midwife.

\"No, no boyfriend either.\"

\"Do you have a partner then?\"

\"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.\"

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

\"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black\"

\"Well,\" replies the girl. \"I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The leading man was black.\"

\"Oh, I'm very sorry,\" says the midwife, \"that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward embarrassing questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.\"

\"Well yes,\" the girl again replies, \"you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?\"

\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" the midwife repeats, \"that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further, but your baby has slanted eyes.\"

\"Well yes,\" continues the girl, \"I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.\"

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, and immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims \"Well, thank god for that!\"

\"What do you mean?\" says the midwife, quite shocked.

\"Well,\" says the girl extremely relieved,
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\"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.\"

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

Husband and Wife are sitting in a pub watching a drunken guy cradling his pint as he sits alone..Husband says.....Do you know him ???
Wife says..Hes my old boyfriend...Im told he started drinking right after we split up 10 years ago and hasnt been sober since ....
Husband replies....Crikey....Who would have thought a fella could go on a celebration for that long xxxx

Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

85% of Ipswich, Queensland males say they enjoy sex in the shower... The other 15% haven't been to prison yet!

The Met. Police pulled Paddy in for questioning...

Officer..OK Paddy me lad...where were you between 5 and 11 ???

Paddy..Thought for a moment and said....Primary School xxxx;)

Was in a Q in ASDA yesterday with two trolleys full of booze and nibbles for a World Cup BBQ...A little old lady came behind me with just one bottle of milk..
Me...Is that all you have my love ???

Little Old Lady....Yes my dear ..just this milk..

Well...I did to decent thing and suggested she f..k off to another till...I was going to be ages xxxx;) :ohmy: