Joke of the Day

I bumped into a friend this morning...hes only got one arm due to an accident....

I said..Where are you off to ???

He replied...To change a light bulb..

I said....That wont be easy for you..

He said..Yes it will,Ive got the receipt ..

xxxx

Dear Coleen Rooney, Fancy getting your own back on Wayne?Give me a call, yours lovingly,
John Terry x

I came out of a Chippy last night with a double portion of chips...a steak and kidney pie...two savaloys...three pickled onions...and a sausage in batter....A young begger sitting near the entrance said as I pssed......Excuse me Mr. but I havent eaten for four days.....
I looked at him and said that I wish I had his will-power xxxx :whistle:

Dustman calls to collect Dustbin. He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. Where’s your bin...? Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom, Dustman says No where is your dust bin, Chinese man says I just told you I Dust bin in the bedroom. Dustman says NO where is your wheelie bin, Chinese man say ok I wheelie been having a wank.

What does a fat girl and a van load of plasterboard have in common ???

Ok..I apologise in advance ( non PC ) ....They both have a 95 per cent chance of being Nailed by a Polish Immigrant xxxx

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.


'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!


'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going

to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'


'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.


'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

My girlfriend bought home some Ice Cream...I asked..How hard is it ????

She cheekily replied...As hard as your Manhood when you think of me ....

I said...Pour me some xxxx :ohmy:

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, \"Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can.\"

I said, \"I think my cock tastes funny...\"

This morning on the M8,

I looked over to my left and there was a
woman,

in a brand new


Porsche 911,

doing 70 miles per hour

with her

face up next to her

rear view mirror,

putting on her eyeliner!!

I looked away

for a couple of seconds...

and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup...

As a man,

I don't scare easily,

but she scared me so much,

I dropped


my electric shaver,

which knocked

the meat pie

out of my other hand.

In all
the confusion of trying


to straighten out the car

using my knees against


the steering wheel,

it knocked


my mobile phone

away from my ear

which fell

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the feckin phone,

soaked my trousers,


and disconnected an


important call!!


Bloody women drivers!!

Some Twat stole my Willy-Warmer from off my washing line,late last night....Im not bothered about the Willy-Warmer but I would like my 30 pegs back xxxx :blink:

This Harry Potter invisablity cloak from Toys R Us, is absolute bullshit. Everyone in the ladies' changing room can still see me wanking.

Irishman, aussie and scouser in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a drink & Jesus sups each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the irishman, shakes his hand & thanks him for the guinness. \"Blimey\" sez the irishman, \"my arthritis has gone\". Jesus then thanks the aussie for the fosters. \"Crikey\" he sez. \"me bad backs cured\". Jesus approaches the scouser who runs away screaming \"FUCK OFF, I'M ON DISABILITY\"!