Joke of the Day

I bumped into a friend this morning...hes only got one arm due to an accident....

I said..Where are you off to ???

He replied...To change a light bulb..

I said....That wont be easy for you..

He said..Yes it will,Ive got the receipt ..

xxxx

Dear Coleen Rooney, Fancy getting your own back on Wayne?Give me a call, yours lovingly,
John Terry x

I came out of a Chippy last night with a double portion of chips...a steak and kidney pie...two savaloys...three pickled onions...and a sausage in batter....A young begger sitting near the entrance said as I pssed......Excuse me Mr. but I havent eaten for four days.....
I looked at him and said that I wish I had his will-power xxxx :whistle:

Dustman calls to collect Dustbin. He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. Where’s your bin...? Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom, Dustman says No where is your dust bin, Chinese man says I just told you I Dust bin in the bedroom. Dustman says NO where is your wheelie bin, Chinese man say ok I wheelie been having a wank.

What does a fat girl and a van load of plasterboard have in common ???

Ok..I apologise in advance ( non PC ) ....They both have a 95 per cent chance of being Nailed by a Polish Immigrant xxxx

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.


'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!


'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'


The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going

to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'


'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.


'No, from the f**kin' skippin'