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Joke of the Day

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14 years 1 month ago #31882 by Karl
Replied by Karl on topic Re:Joke of the Day
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.She said she couldn't take it any longer

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14 years 1 month ago #31888 by
Replied by on topic Re:Joke of the Day
Just to continue the non PC theme.....

Its rumoured that women have a certain Spot and if you hit that Spot with the right pace and angle she will be jelly-in-your=hands......

I think its called the Chin xxxx :blink:

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14 years 1 month ago #31917 by Karl
Replied by Karl on topic Re:Joke of the Day
1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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14 years 1 month ago #31985 by Karl
Replied by Karl on topic Re:Joke of the Day
Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

Of course, one broom was the bride-broom...the other the groom- broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom- broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

At the reception following the ceremony, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, \"We're going to have a little whisk broom!\"

\"IMPOSSIBLE !\" said the groom-broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself...this is going to hurt!


\"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!\"

.......................................

Oh, for goodness sake...laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy these silly, little, cute and clean jokes!!!!

Sounds to me like she's .............been sweeping around!!!

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14 years 1 month ago #31993 by Karl
Replied by Karl on topic Re:Joke of the Day
One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
\"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose.\"


While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.



The next morning, the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
\"You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra.\"


This was
beyond

a silent response..

So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'




With a death grip in place,
she said...



\"You know, if you firmed this up, we could
get rid of
the gardener,
the postman,
the pool man
and
your brother!\"
The following user(s) said Thank You: tessa

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14 years 1 month ago #32023 by Karl
Replied by Karl on topic Re:Joke of the Day
Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.. his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees... apparently she stood him up...

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