Joke of the Day

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,







'Shoite,







Shoite!'







He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.







'Bi'Gonners.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.







He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.







The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'







Paddy says, 'I did, Jess I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'







'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Romanian, an Arab,
And a Yorkshire Lass are
In the same bar.

When the Romanian
Finishes his beer, He throws his glass
In the air, pulls
Out His pistol, and
Shoots the glass
To pieces.
He says, 'In Romania ,
Our glasses are so Cheap we don't need
To drink with the
Same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously
Impressed by this,
Drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a Muslim!),
Throws it into the
Air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
The glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have So much sand to make
Glasses that we don't
Need to drink with
The same one twice either.'


The Yorkshire Lass, Cool as a cucumber, Picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp,
Throws the glass into
The air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Romanian and the Arab.


Catching her glass,
Setting it on the bar, and calling
For a refill,
She says,
'In Yorkshire,
We have so many

Illegal immigrants that We don't have to
Drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Yorkshire !!

Farmer and Woman are in a Bar when the woman orders Champagne...Exactly at that moment so does the farmer....

Farmer....What are you celebrating???

Woman...My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 14 years...today its confirmed Im pregnant..How about you,whats your celebration??

Farmer..I have a World Class hen which has been unable to lay eggs until this morning....I got her a New Cock....

Woman...Thats a hell of a coincidence :laugh:

Magician on a Cruise Liner is constantly having his tricks ruined by the Ships Parrot.Each time he performs a trick the parrot squawks...Its in his pocket....4 of clubs...Its got a false bottom etc etc.....
The Magician hates it and one night the Ship sinks leaving the Parrot and Magician on a piece of driftwood.For 4 days the Parrot says nothing and just stares at the Magician.
On the 5th day the Parrot can hold his tongue no longer and says.....OK,clever sod, I give up...what have you done with the Ship xxxx :blink:

SANTA CLAUS:

1. Wears red.
2. Good at breaking into houses.
3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace.
4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
5. Only does one day's work a year.

Are you sure he's not a Scouser??<br><br>Post edited by: Karl, at: 2010/11/30 19:22

My budgie broke his leg today, so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vestas........his little face lit up when he tried to walk xxxx :ohmy: