Joke of the Day

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...







... The gardener did."


Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Little Johnny jumps on a bus and sits immediately behind the driver. Johnnie starts chanting at the top of his voice "If my mammy was a cow and my daddy was a bull then I'd b a calf...if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then I'd be a lamb...if my mammy was a mare and my daddy was a stallion then I'd b a foal... If my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then I'd b a piglet...". The bus driver was getting mad and said 2 Johnnie " if ur mammy was a prostitute and ur daddy was a f***** w****** then what wud u b?". Johnnie replied without a blink "Then I'd b a F******* bus driver" !

Cliff Richard had just finished the last song of his gig in Tokyo. He had such a great night he decided to let the crowd pick a song for him to sing. He asks a lady at the front what song she wanted to hear and she replied,"The Itchy Fanny song".

"I'm sorry, I don't know that song" said Cliff, so he asks the man beside her, and again he was asked to sing the Itchy Fanny song. Once more Cliff told the man he didn't know the song, so he decided to ask the crowd what song they want to hear and they all shout the Itchy Fanny song.

Cliff was now totally confused so he told the crowd he doesn't know the song and would they sing it to him instead.

So the crowd, as one, start to sing,













"Itchy Fanny, that we don't tawk anymore..........."

I don't know whats more disturbing, my mother telling me my sisters a lesbian, or my dad winking at me saying 'no she's not'

Last night I was awoken at 2 am in the morning by four West Ham fans ,outside my house ,playing football with a hedgehog. I was absolutely discusted ans was about to phone the police and the RSPCA ...when the hedgehog went one nil up xxxx

The wife suggested i get myself one of those penis enlargers . . . . . .

So i did ....She's 19 & her names Lucy...:ohmy:

was doing my girlfriend from behind last night when I slipped a chocolate egg up her bum ...

Kinder Surprised her !!!

A Guy phones 999 and tells the ambulance services that he thinks his wife is dead....Operator asks....How do you know???
To which he replies..the sex is the same but the washing and ironing is building up :laugh:

Ive just broken the world record for holding your breath underwater,an incredible 8mins 42 seconds.
It all started when a girl in the swimming pool shouted ...Thats him over there Daddy ... xxxx :laugh:

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning.The girl serving me was a stunner and said she could make me Large for 30 pence.
I told her she already had and could finish me off for a £1 xxxx :laugh:

Spent an hour at the wifes grave this morning....Bless her,she thinks Im digging a pond xxxx :laugh:

Taffy, Jock and Paddy are chatting. Taffy says: "Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Jock says: "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat" Paddy says: "That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 condoms to magaluf and she hasn't even got a cock" !!!