Joke of the Day

How unlucky was Osama Bin Laden? If he had been captured by the British he would now be living in a council house, have a full state pension, claiming a human rights payout and disability allowance! God Bless America

My window cleaner knocked at my door this morning shouting and swearing. I thought "f*** me he's lost his rag".

A blonde is so pissed off with all the dumb blonde jokes she dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive and sees a farmer rounding up his sheep in a field, so she pulls over and asks him, if she can guess how many sheep he has can she have one? Bemused the farmer agrees. She looks around the field and says 372, the farmer is amazed she's right and let's her have one. The blonde picks the cutest. The farmer says, if I can guess the real colour of your hair can I have my dog back?

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords.."

Anyone had any luck with Olympic Stadium tickets...I have,I got 55,000 tickets for West Ham v Doncaster

As the Paraplegic Olympics are being held in London this year and in order to help visitors, the organisers have published a leaflet containing Cockney rhyming slang for the disabled.

Mutton Jeff: Deaf

Bacon Rind: Blind

Canary Wharf: Dwarf

Cardinal Wolsley: Cerebral Palsy

Raspberry Ripple: Cripple.

Wasps and Bees: Amputees

Rubber and plastic: Spastic

Tulips and roses: Multiple Sclerosis

Diet Pepsi: Epilepsy

Benny and the Jets: Tourette's.

Just had curried Pelican at the local Indian...Not bad but the Bill was enormous. xxxx

Paddy says 'Doctor I have a sore arse'
Doctor bends him over and finds a wad of money up there.
'How much was up there?' asks Paddy.
The doc replies '£1900'.
'Sounds about right' replies Paddy. 'I knew i didn't feel too grand'

A boy asks his Granny " have u seen my pills, they were marked LSD" Granny replies " fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen " ???

A scouse girl goes to put her name on the housing list.
The council worker asks,
'Are u married?'
'No.'
'How many children do u have?'
'Ten',
What are their names?
''Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam and Liam.
''Isn't that kind of confusing?
''No, it's great.
I just shout LIAM YOUR TEAS'S READY or LIAM TIME FOR BED and they all come running at once.
''But what if u want to speak to them individually?
''Oh I just use their surname.'

After much speculation that he was going to put out a weakened side against Blackpool, Sir Alex Ferguson submitted the following team sheet before the game.

1. Edwin Van der Sar

3. Patrice Evra

6. Wes Brown

12. Chris Smalling

23. Jonny Evans

24. Darren Fletcher

18. Paul Scholes

11. Top Flight Premiership Footballer

8. Anderson

13. Ji Sung Park

9. Dimitar Berbatov

I wish place on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with big tits you can tell anyone you f....g like xxxx