Joke of the Day

I went out with a girl who had a wonky-eye....But I ended it as she was seing someone on the side xxxx :laugh: :blink:

‎3 students doing a Psychiatry lesson. The 1st was asked \"What's the opposite of joy?\" She said \"Sorrow.\" The 2nd was asked \"What's the opposite of depression?\" He said \"Happiness.\" Then Paddy was asked \"What's the opposite of woe?\" He replied \"Giddy up.\"

After a tragic Sky Diving accident in which an Asian died...A spokesman for the BNP Skydiving Centre said...We have no idea why his flippers and snorkle didnt open xxxx :blink:

A woman comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with a midget.....Wife screamed that he promised not to cheat again..
Husband looked shocked and replied....ffs Im cutting down xxxx :blink:

Man goes into bookshop and asks the assistant...Do you have the new book out about small and short penises..

assistant.....Im not sure its in yet..

Man....Thats the one xxxx :ohmy:

I just got a Police Caution........It appears that wrapping The Beano around your todger and masturbating is NOT considered COMIC RELIEF xxxx :ohmy:

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**












**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mummy near the phone?'**





**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**









**After a brief pause,**











**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**









**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
**Right now.'**









Brief Pause.









**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**







**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**







**'I did it, Daddy.'**






**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**








**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**








**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**








**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**








**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**











*****Long Pause*****












*****Longer Pause*****












*****Even Longer Pause*****











**Then Daddy says,**









**'Swimming pool? ............**








**Is this 4955 5566 ?'*
















*No, I think you have the wrong number.........

My girlfriend says she can judge how good a film is by the number of paper tissues she gets through...

Funnily enough I have a similar system myself xxxx :ohmy: :blink:

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from the bottle of Tippex....

I woke up this morning with a huge correction xxxx :woohoo: :blink:

Been to the gym, had a nice hot shower and I've just picked up a bottle of home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon. I've got a few spliffs rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads, after which I'll muck about online with some porn and gambling sites then it's a nice blow job before I head off to bed.
I love prison!

Sex in the morning is a wonderful way to start the day.....Unless your in Prison xxxx :blink:

What can a Jelly Baby do that a man cant ?????

Come in 5 fruity flavours xxxxx :ohmy: :blink: