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It,s the way you tell em
16 years 4 months ago #6921
by scouse
Replied by scouse on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
'Listen mate don't waste your time down at the surgery' Mike replies,'there's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....thank you for shopping at Tesco
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
'Listen mate don't waste your time down at the surgery' Mike replies,'there's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....thank you for shopping at Tesco
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16 years 4 months ago #6923
by scouse
Replied by scouse on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
Pet owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.
Veterinarian: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer
Veterinarian: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer
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16 years 4 months ago #6926
by bjm49
Replied by bjm49 on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
I wanted to send you something beutiful,kind,attractive, funny and sexy,but the postman told me to take the stamps off my bum and get out of the postbox.
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16 years 4 months ago #6927
by scouse
Replied by scouse on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
A drunken man was casually taking a p**s into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''
The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?
''What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!''
The man, amazed, yells back. ''What do you think I have, a hose?
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16 years 4 months ago #6950
by Scotty
Replied by Scotty on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
How many men does it take to open a can of beer.None it should be open when she brings it to him;)
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- Visitor
16 years 4 months ago #6967
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Replied by on topic Re:It,s the way you tell em
Man goes into pet shop and asks to buy a bluebottle fly......Owner looks puzzled and says..we dont sell Bluebottles....
Man replies...You had one in the window yesterday xxxxx;)
Man replies...You had one in the window yesterday xxxxx;)
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