It,s the way you tell em

Grandma gave small boy bag of sweets,he grabbed them and said nothing.What do you say my lad said Grannie,still no response,what is the magic word she said,the lad replied Abracadabra.

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet

Will not give you a full erection.'

' I am 96' said the old man . ' I don't want an erection .

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't wee on my slippers.'

hahahahha nice one karl!!!! first time iv laughed this week XXX:kiss:

Thats the worse about having a wife who only eats chicken before she goes to bed,she wakes up in a fowl mood.

Paddy and Mick are down the pub
Paddy is outside having a fag
He rushes back in and says Mick someone has just stolen your car.
Do you see who it was said Mick
No says Paddy but I got the registration.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact shortly afterwards,
'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'No Not exactly,............................I'm a rabbit living in Suffolk.' !

paddy and murphy walking down the road,
paddy falls down a hole,
what sud i do said murphy,
call me am ambulance replied paddy
murphy runs round saying
'paddy is an ambulance, paddy is an ambulance'

:laugh:

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

I found the remote,' he mumbled.

Two Hydrogen atoms meet,one says\"I've lost my electron\"The other says \"are you sure\"The first replies \"Yes I'm positive\"

Please spare a thought for a man I knew over several years.....I used to buy a 99 from him,on Blackheath,loads of times....His name was Jack and a nice guy..
I was shocked ,last Monday , to see his Ice Cream Van with three Met. Police officers in attendance.....Walking forward I was told to move along...As I had known Jack for so long...I replied to the Sergeant...
Im sorry,but I considered him to be a friend and I insist you tell me whats happened..
The Sergeant took me to one side and told me Jack was dead and it was suspected suicide..
It would appear that a member of the public had found him and called the police....When they arrived he was laying on the van floor covered in ice cream,cones ,peanut bits, sprinkles and chocolate sauce..
What makes you think it was suicide..I enquired.....The sergeant leant across and said....We think he Topped Himself xxxx;) :whistle: :whistle: :whistle: :whistle:

Two fish swim into a concrete wall,one fish turns to the other and says \"DAM\"

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. :whistle:

The third woman came over to him and very seductively said, in a husky, sexy voice, 'Have you ever been f#cked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No' :blush:

'Well,' she said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.':huh: :dry: