Joke of the Day

Ive a mate who is in 2 Para based in Switzerland for past two years...He recently married a local girl and talk about multi tasking...with her left hand she opens his beer..washes up and peels veg...with her left she made the tea..made the bed and washed the baby...Yes..she is a Swiss Army Wife

Its Good Friday soon and all thoughts all over the country turn to a bloke with long hair ,who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross.........Happy Easter Andy Carroll :woohoo:

MURDER AT TESCO





Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...




(You're going to hate me for this...)















'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

Was looking out of my window and saw a crowd gathering around a guy who had crashed his motorbike...Rushing to the location I yelled frantically...Lat me through...lat me through....
Are you a doctor one said ???

No ..said I...the tosser has my pizza

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.



He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro",.... bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A mucho grande delicacy!'



The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.......Sometimes, the bull wins'.

Aussie rings his girlfriends doorbell with a bunch of flowers...She sees the flowers and drags him inside ...she lies back on the couch and pulls her dress up and knickers down..Then she says..this is for the flowers ...
To which he replies...Dont be silly you must have a vase somewhere