Joke of the Day

Said to the wife this morning "I'm off to cycle to work love" I get my bike out of the shed and realise its rainning down! I think f*** it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the mrs one from behind. She moans and starts waking up. So I whisper "Its rainning down out there!" She replies "I know, and that stupid c**** cycling to work!

Al Qa'eeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed
to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54 . The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Hull, Essex, Glasgow and Doncaster stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."



As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text claiming she loves anal.

dyslexic bitch, it turns out she loves Alan, my best mate..

Got home four hours late from the pub last night..

Wife yelled...where have you been at this hour

I replied....Up the pub playing poker with some mates

She said...Well, pack your bags and get out

I said....You had better pack yours too...we dont own the house any more

I've got the results of Cheryl Cole's smear test here, Just as i thought........ It tastes delicious.