Joke of the Day

Said to the wife this morning "I'm off to cycle to work love" I get my bike out of the shed and realise its rainning down! I think f*** it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the mrs one from behind. She moans and starts waking up. So I whisper "Its rainning down out there!" She replies "I know, and that stupid c**** cycling to work!

Al Qa'eeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed
to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54 . The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Hull, Essex, Glasgow and Doncaster stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."



As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text claiming she loves anal.

dyslexic bitch, it turns out she loves Alan, my best mate..

Got home four hours late from the pub last night..

Wife yelled...where have you been at this hour

I replied....Up the pub playing poker with some mates

She said...Well, pack your bags and get out

I said....You had better pack yours too...we dont own the house any more

I've got the results of Cheryl Cole's smear test here, Just as i thought........ It tastes delicious.

Woke up the other morning at 6am with a wicked hang over,listening to the neighbour mowing his lawn. First reaction was to get up and throttle the c***, then I thought f*** it, he'll just have to mow around me.

Zoo keeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £4OO?" Paddy replies "I will on three conditions, 1 my family wont find out, 2 I dont have to kiss it, and 3 I need a couple of weeks to get the money together." :woohoo: :woohoo:

I'm sick to death of people knockin the door askin for donations. Just had one lady from the sperm bank. so did I give her a mouthful :pinch: :pinch: :pinch:

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
:kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :woohoo:

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.



A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Sainsbury’s, Tesco’s, Asda, or even Neto. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't

be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works:



Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping

your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.



You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other

one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &

27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.



Tesco’s has wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for £1 at the Pound Shop in Prices and bought them out in three of their stores.



Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Sainsbury’s, to Morrison’s, to Asda, Etc.



So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.



(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning i love these felt tip pens