Joke of the Day

An 80yr old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4 a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says "Here's one £5000." Old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls 1 out £65,000, he says "That's the 1, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come & fetch it." On Monday jeweller phones old man & says "There's no money in the account." Old man says "I know, but can U imagine the weekend I've had?" :whistle:

My Girlfriend had a Near-Death experience today......Stupid woman thought she could Hoover whilst football was on the tele :laugh:

Teacher says to little Paddy "The essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers".
"Of course it is" said Paddy. "Its the same f******* dog"

They have set a tough task for tonights..Bush Tucker Trial...One of the Kangaroos has to eat one of Fatima Whitbreads testicles

Im hosying an African Themed Party tonight....There will be no food and the drinks will be 12 miles away

An irish man and his son went to the zoo, a sign says "feed the elephant a bun to get your age". The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps it's foot 6 times."wow" says the boy "that's right i am 6, you have a go dad". The irish chap gives the elephant a bun . . . A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice "be jesus that's right" said the father "i am farty two !"

TOMMY COOPER ONE LINERS.........
1...Phone answering machine..if you want to buy Marijuana,press the Hash key

2.. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldnt find any

3..I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldnt reach the meat on his top shelf...He said the Steaks were too high

4..My friend drowned in some muesli...A strong currant pulled him in

5..I went to a seafood disco last week...I pulled a muscle

6 ..Two Eskimos were sitting in a Kayak and were cold,so they built a fire....then they sank....Goes to prove you cant have your Kayak and heat it

7 ..Man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head...Doctor said..I will get you some cream for that

8 ..I was getting into my car and a guy said ..can I give him a lift...Of course..your a good looking chap and the world is your Oyster..go for it

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it? " the husband asked. "Shh! " said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead? "So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you? "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing? "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand. "

My Partner suffers with terrible Period Pains.......That Period when I get home from the pub and before peaasing out on the sofa xxxx

My wife asked if we could have something more "christmassy" on the tv. So i put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.
:woohoo:

I was showing my Doctor a nasty red rash on my cock today.He seemed a bit uncomfortable touching it looking at it closely...He just said make an appointment for Monday morning and carried on pushing his shopping trolley around Tescos. xxxx

I have liver disease, caused by years of heavy drinking. My wife said I should go to BUPA, but I did the complete opposite.I went to APUB. :pinch: