Joke of the Day

REAL ADS FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS: :woohoo:



YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Exc. condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Im In A+E after swallowing Lego, they don't seem worried but I'm shitting bricks.......!

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to f*** off."

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road.

He contacts the police to inform them of his find. A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "did yougive it the last rites ". "No" said the priest "i thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

I walked into a bedroom and caught my nan sucking grandad's willy, :woohoo: I said "Nan that's disgusting" She said it's perfectly normal" I said " No its wrong, you should have buried it with the rest of him" :evil:

My girlfriends occupation is getting in the way of our sex life...She is a Childrens Entertainer and makes balloon animals....when she has done with my manhood it looks like a Giragge xxxx

Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in June, and the second time is in December."

Carlsburg don't do Alzhiemers but if they did, they'd make exceedingly good cakes...

Was at the bar with a friend today and we were talking about girlfriends....

I said....I had to stand on a chair to kiss my last girlfriend

He said.....Was she realy tall

I said.....No,she hung herself

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

My new girlfriend told me straight...It will be 6 months before I give you a BJ........I told her I fully understand and would give her a ring closer the time

So sex between three people is called a Threesome

Sex between two people is called a Twosome

Now I know why you are called Handsome xxxxx