It,s the way you tell em

A realy good looking young man walked into an Agents office in Hollywood and said that he wanted to be a movie star...He has been acting on Broadway and was now ready to go into films.
The Agent agreed he looked the part and his acting CV was wonderful....Whats your name..said the Agent...
I am Penis Van Lesbian ...said the actor.....
Wooooo said the agent ..let me stop you there ..you will never be a film star with that name..You will have to change it...
NEVER said Penis...that was my grandfathers surname and I will not change it....At that he bid him good day and left....


Five years later the Agent got a cheque in the post for $50000 and a letter saying how Penis Van Lesbian had been wrong and he changed his name....As a result he had become a Star...

Letter was signed......Dick Van Dyke xxxxx:woohoo:

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product.

A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken.

We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time.

We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly...

Remember our slogans:Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, \"Can I help you?\"

The man said, \"Sure. I’ve come to connect your phone!\"

What is the difference between a Hedgehog and a Volvo ??????


Hedgehogs have the Pricks on the outside xxxx :lol:

A father and his son in the drug store came across an aisle selling condoms. Looking at the selection the son asked his father why there were so many different boxes.

The father explained saying

\"The pack of three is for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night.

The pack of six is for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning.\"

The son then asked his father what the pack of twelve were for, and the father said:

\"That's for when you are married...

One for January

One for February

One for March.....

A man just knocked on my door and asked for my old clothes for the starving people of Africa...
I told him to go away.....if my clothes fit them ,they cant be starving xxxx NON PC xxxx

A lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement.

An American tourist asked what the purpose of the audible sound was. On being told it was for blind people the tourist said \"Oh, we don't let them drive in America\".

Thank you for your application to Channel 4s...Ten years Younger Looking.....
I am sorry to inform you it was unsuccessful as we only employ surgeons....not blinkin magicians xxxx

A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, \"My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework.\"

A letter to your pets for anyone who's ever had a pet...

[This is best posted low on the fridge door]

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.

I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
( don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....

I'm not saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me :woohoo:

\"Darling,\" said the groom to his new bride.

\"Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?\"

\"Of course, my beloved husband\", she replied.

\"But what will you live on?\"