It,s the way you tell em

An RAF pilot was flying over Afghanistan and shocked when two flying carpets came alongside with machine guns...His instincts and training made him shoot them down....
When he landed he was taken to the CO and given a bollocking.....It appears that they were...Allied Carpets xxxx :ohmy: :whistle:

As two women sat in a coffee shop, they started to discuss their home lives. One said, \"It seems like all Robert and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset that I've lost fifteen pounds.\"

\"Why don't you just leave him then?\" asked her friend.

\"Oh, not yet,\" the first replied, \"I'd like to lose at least ten more pounds first!\"

My wife ran off with my best friend.....I do miss him xxxx

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. \"We need a fourth for poker,\" said the friend.

\"I'll be right over,\" whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, \"Is it serious?\"

\"Oh yes, quite serious,\" said the doctor gravely.

\"In fact, there are three doctors there already!\"
:laugh: :lol: :woohoo:

I wouldnt say that my mother-in-law was fat.But she got a wide-load escort when she walked to the shops ....xxxx:blink:

I wouldnt say that my mother-in-law was ugly.But she was asked to move in the waxworks ...House of Horror.....xxxx :ohmy:

I wouldnt say that my Irish friend was thick.But he thought Muffin the Mule was a sexual offence ...xxxx :ohmy: :whistle:

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching with a wagon.

\"Good afternoon!\" hollers out Walter.

\"Afternoon,\" says the farmer.

\"Where you headed?\" asks Walter.

\"Town.\"

\"What do you have in the wagon?\" Walter continued.

\"Manure.\"

\"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?\"

\"I spread it over my strawberries,\" the farmer says matter-of-factly.

\"Well,\" says Walter, \"you should come back here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream.\"

Man walks into a bar and slips on some dog poo.....

Ten minutes later a large guy walks in..slips on poo and smashes his head against the bar....

First man said....I did that....

Big guy thumps him on the nose xxxx :ohmy: :whistle: :laugh:

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to the doctor and was fitted for a pair of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.

A month later, the man went back to the doctor, and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"

The man replied, \"Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"

In a recent survey of Maths Teachers..asked if they felt their job worthwhile...

29pcent said yes

79pcent were unsure

19pcent said yes

xxxx :lol: :lol:

One night, a Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg, when the man felt a drop hit his nose and the wife felt a drop on her hand. \"I think it's raining,\" the man said.

\"No, that felt more like snow to me,\" she replied.

\"No, I'm sure it was just rain,\" he said.

Just as they were about to get into an argument about it, they saw a minor Communist Party official walking toward them.

\"Let's not fight about it,\" the man said, \"let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.\"

As the official approached, the man said, \"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?\"

\"It's raining, of course,\" he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted, \"I know that felt like snow!\"
.
.
.
.
.
To which the man quietly replied, \"Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear!\"

After spending an entire weekend painting my window frames with Dulux,I was agarst to see it all blister ( even though there was no sun)...
I got onto the Complaints Deptmt.....They Glossed over it xxxx:ohmy: :lol:

A young woman woke up from and afternoon nap and told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?\"

\"You'll know tonight!\" he said with a smile.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled

\"The Meaning of Dreams.\" :laugh: