It,s the way you tell em

The Shortest Fairy Tale....

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl to marry him..she said No....He lived happily ever after xxxx :lol: :woohoo:

A gallery owner called an artist and said, \"I have good news and bad news.\"

\"Oh, please tell me the good news first,\" said the painter.

\"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"

\"That’s wonderful,\" the artist exclaimed. \"What’s the bad news?\"

\"The buyer was your doctor.\" :ohmy:

Do you think its too early to ask Whoopi Goldberg if shes heard from Patrick Swayze yet xxxx

tonypark wrote:

Do you think its too early to ask Whoopi Goldberg if shes heard from Patrick Swayze yet xxxx

Don't get it

Gandra wrote:

tonypark wrote:

Do you think its too early to ask Whoopi Goldberg if shes heard from Patrick Swayze yet xxxx

Don't get it

Just got it on my phone text...think it relates to a life-after-death film xxxx

There is an Australia, New Zealander, Irishman and a Scotsman, they are in a plane and discover they only have 3 parachutes, as they flew over Ireland, the Irishman says \"Tis for me country\" and jumps out with a parachute on, as they fly over Scotland the Scottishman says \"this is forr me countrry\" and jumps out with his chute on....After a while they are flying over the ocean and there is only chute left, the New Zealander opens the door and pushes the Aussie out saying \"This is for my country\"

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

\"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'\" she asked.

\"Well, no,\" answered the puzzled homeowner, \"But I have a wife and eleven children.\"

\"Is that a record?\" she inquired.

\"I don't think so,\" replied the man, \"but it's as close as I want to get.\"

[Hi Deafblindwheeler - love your joke :kiss: ]

Paddys wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm.
The doctor advises her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex.
Paddy refused to buy a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel whilst they had sex.
Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over,so Paddys mate had sex with her.After 20mins she had a massive orgasm....
Paddy looked at his mate and said.....and thats how to flap a towel my son xxxx :whistle:

\"Here's something to think about ...

I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age... (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?\"

A mans wife smashed him in the face...

He said...What was that for???
She replied..I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with Sexy Sarah on it...

Quick as a flash he said...Thats the name of the horse I bet on yesterday...you silly cow ...

A week later she hits him with a frying pan...

In the name of sanity woman..what was that for???

She replied....Your bloody horse phoned today xxxx :whistle:

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, \"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my date this evening.\"

So the Doberman says, \"I love liver and cheese.\"

The Collie replies, \"That's not good enough.\"

The Bulldog says, \"I hate liver and cheese.\"

She says, \"That's not creative enough.\"

Finally, the Chihuahua says, \"Liver alone ... cheese mine.\"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

\"Dopey, my son,\" says the Pope, \"what can I do for you?\"

Dopey asks, \"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?\"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.\" I

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back \"Your Worship, are they're any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?\"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe\"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, \"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?\"

\"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.\"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting...

\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...
\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...