Welcome, Guest
Username: Password: Remember me

TOPIC: It,s the way you tell em

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28863

  • tonypark
  • tonypark's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
I came out of the local chippy with a sausage-in-batter...piece of Cod.....cod roe.....fish cake....steak pie...and double portion of chips..
Sitting outside was a scruffy,homeless person who said..I havent eaten in four days...
I said....I wish I had your will-power xxxx :woohoo:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28868

  • Gandra
  • Gandra's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
Rules of Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain protection, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

More advanced players will find alternate means of playwhen this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28883

  • tonypark
  • tonypark's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
I was getting my breakfast in the kitchen and when I looked out I saw four Skinheads beating up a muslim extremist....
As I watched the full magnitude of the horror hit me......My Toast was Burning xxxx :blink: :woohoo:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28885

  • Gandra
  • Gandra's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Jack or Jill. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: \"Jill, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.\"

\"Could you jack off?\" she says. \"I feel like shit.\"

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28890

  • tonypark
  • tonypark's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
Went into pet shop....
May I have three Bluebottles please....said I...
We dont sell Bluebottles....said the salesman..
Well,you had some in the window yesterday xxxx :ohmy:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28891

  • Gandra
  • Gandra's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
Overheard in a supermarket:

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco, and was standing in the queue at the till, waiting to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse , I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because the last time I had ended up in hospital, but I had lost 50lbs before I awakened in an Intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it worked is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try again.

Horrified she asked if I'd ended up in hospital because I had been poisoned. I told her, no, it was because I had been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28898

  • tonypark
  • tonypark's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
One day little Johnny hears his parents making a noise in their bedroom and peeks in.He sees his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind.
Upon seeing Johnny his dad winks and carries on as if nothing happened.
Afterwards dad goes to check on Johnny .He finds him going at it with grandma......Dad yells...What are you doing????
Not so funny when its your mum is it ??? was the reply xxxx :woohoo:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28903

  • Gandra
  • Gandra's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. \"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.\"

\"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.\"

\"I agree,\" says the Father. \"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?\"

\"Anything, Father.\"

\"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.\"

\"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.\"

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

\"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?\" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

\"Father, could I ask something of you?\"

\"Yes, Sister?\"

\"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?\"

\"I suppose that would be OK,\" the Priest replied lifting his robe.

\"Oh Father, may I touch it?\"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

\"Sister\", he said. \"You know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.\"

\"Is that true Father?\"

\"Yes, it is, Sister.\"

\"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!\"

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28910

  • tonypark
  • tonypark's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
A very innocent nun was driving home when she was stopped by the same police officer who had stopped her the night before....He walked up to her drivers window,opened his flies and exposed his penis...
Said the nun....Oh,you want to give me a breathaliser again ???? xxxx :blink:

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 1 month ago #28914

  • Gandra
  • Gandra's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
Letter from Scout camp:

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Our scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he DID tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us...

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a paedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

love from your son

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 3 weeks ago #29069

  • Karl
  • Karl's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7786
  • Thank you received: 214
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body:
An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body:
Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one.
Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Re:It,s the way you tell em 10 years 3 weeks ago #29084

  • Karl
  • Karl's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7786
  • Thank you received: 214
3 tortoises Jim, Ray & Jeff go 4 a picnic 10miles from where they liv it taks them 10days 2 get there. Wen they arrive they find they've 4got the bottle opener. Jim & Ray ask Jeff 2 fetch it. Jeff sez fuck off, by the time I get back u'd hav eaten all the sandwiches. Jim & Ray promise not 2 eat the sandwiches so Jeff agrees 2 go. 10days pass & Jeff has not returned, 20days pass & he's still not returned. Jim & Ray r fuckin starvin but keep their promise not 2 eat the sandwiches. 25days pass & they say fuck it we're gonna starve if we dont eat. They start 2 eat the sandwiches & Jeff jumps from bhind a rock & shouts \"I fuckin knew it, u bastards, I'm not goin now!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Moderators: Able_Here_Team
Time to create page: 0.577 seconds