It,s the way you tell em

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

\"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'\" she asked.

\"Well, no,\" answered the puzzled homeowner, \"But I have a wife and eleven children.\"

\"Is that a record?\" she inquired.

\"I don't think so,\" replied the man, \"but it's as close as I want to get.\"

[Hi Deafblindwheeler - love your joke :kiss: ]

Paddys wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm.
The doctor advises her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex.
Paddy refused to buy a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel whilst they had sex.
Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over,so Paddys mate had sex with her.After 20mins she had a massive orgasm....
Paddy looked at his mate and said.....and thats how to flap a towel my son xxxx :whistle:

\"Here's something to think about ...

I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age... (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a ****?\"

A mans wife smashed him in the face...

He said...What was that for???
She replied..I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with Sexy Sarah on it...

Quick as a flash he said...Thats the name of the horse I bet on yesterday...you silly cow ...

A week later she hits him with a frying pan...

In the name of sanity woman..what was that for???

She replied....Your bloody horse phoned today xxxx :whistle:

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, \"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can be my date this evening.\"

So the Doberman says, \"I love liver and cheese.\"

The Collie replies, \"That's not good enough.\"

The Bulldog says, \"I hate liver and cheese.\"

She says, \"That's not creative enough.\"

Finally, the Chihuahua says, \"Liver alone ... cheese mine.\"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

\"Dopey, my son,\" says the Pope, \"what can I do for you?\"

Dopey asks, \"Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?\"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.\" I

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back \"Your Worship, are they're any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?\"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, \"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe\"

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, \"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?\"

\"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.\"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting...

\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...
\"Dopey screwed a penguin!\"...