It,s the way you tell em

One day little Johnny hears his parents making a noise in their bedroom and peeks in.He sees his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it from behind.
Upon seeing Johnny his dad winks and carries on as if nothing happened.
Afterwards dad goes to check on Johnny .He finds him going at it with grandma......Dad yells...What are you doing????
Not so funny when its your mum is it ??? was the reply xxxx :woohoo:

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. \"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.\"

\"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.\"

\"I agree,\" says the Father. \"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?\"

\"Anything, Father.\"

\"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.\"

\"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.\"

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

\"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?\" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

\"Father, could I ask something of you?\"

\"Yes, Sister?\"

\"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?\"

\"I suppose that would be OK,\" the Priest replied lifting his robe.

\"Oh Father, may I touch it?\"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

\"Sister\", he said. \"You know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.\"

\"Is that true Father?\"

\"Yes, it is, Sister.\"

\"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!\"

A very innocent nun was driving home when she was stopped by the same police officer who had stopped her the night before....He walked up to her drivers window,opened his flies and exposed his penis...
Said the nun....Oh,you want to give me a breathaliser again ???? xxxx :blink:

Letter from Scout camp:

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Our scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he DID tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us...

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about losing the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a paedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

love from your son

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body:
An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body:
Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one.
Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

3 tortoises Jim, Ray & Jeff go 4 a picnic 10miles from where they liv it taks them 10days 2 get there. Wen they arrive they find they've 4got the bottle opener. Jim & Ray ask Jeff 2 fetch it. Jeff sez fuck off, by the time I get back u'd hav eaten all the sandwiches. Jim & Ray promise not 2 eat the sandwiches so Jeff agrees 2 go. 10days pass & Jeff has not returned, 20days pass & he's still not returned. Jim & Ray r fuckin starvin but keep their promise not 2 eat the sandwiches. 25days pass & they say fuck it we're gonna starve if we dont eat. They start 2 eat the sandwiches & Jeff jumps from bhind a rock & shouts \"I fuckin knew it, u bastards, I'm not goin now!