It,s the way you tell em

A woman is taking golf lessons.She had started her round when after a short time got stung by a bee...running back to the clubhouse for help she came across her pro instructor...
He asked her where she got stung...she replied between the first and second holes...
He replied....Your standing with your legs too far apart at address xxxxx :ohmy:

Mick opens Paddys fridge and asks.....Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in here?????
Paddy replies....In case someone wants black coffee you thick twat xxxx :ohmy:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, \"But you're a duck\".

\"I see your eyes are working\", replies the duck.

\"And you talk!\" exclaims the landlord.

\"I see your ears are working\", says the duck, \"Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please?\". \"I'm working on the building site across the road, and I'm on my break.\"

The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, \"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!\".

\"Sounds wonderful\", says the ringmaster, \"get him to give me a call\".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, \"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!\".

\"Yeah?\", says the duck, \"Sounds great, where is it?\".

\"At the circus\", says the landlord.

\"The circus?\", the duck enquires.

\"That's right\", replies the landlord.

\"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?\", asks the duck.

\"That's right!\", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, \"What would they want with a plasterer?\" :laugh:

A man gets arrested 3 times in a day for beating his wife.....Policeman asks....Why do you keep beating her...
Husbands reply.....Its probably because I have a weight advantage...longer reach....and better footwork xxxx:ohmy:

For Sale:

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

She was only the Fishmongers daughter...but she laid on the slab and said...Fillet xxxx